Godzilla (and yes there are spoilers here)

Heh. Not sure how much you can have spoilers when discussing a movie about a giant monster but… there are spoilery-type things here so maybe if you are worried about that you won’t read ahead. Otherwise press on and I’ll tell you a little about how I felt about this movie – which I’ve been stoked as all get out to see.

I can basically sum up my feelings in a few short words. I’m not sure how you can make such a boring movie about giant monsters but I very nearly fell asleep while watching this movie. That’s not hyperbole, I was genuinely nodding off at one point.

In the spirit of saying the good first, Godzilla looked amazing. The actual monster was amazing to see. It’s a damn shame the filmmakers didn’t feel the same way since we barely see any of him in the whole movie.

The first time we get a clear, full on look at Godzilla – right before he’s about to lay into one of the other monsters for the first time – the camera cuts away to a little kid laying down on a couch. Like a really quick cut. Here’s the fucking monster – oh, no, sorry, little kid. It was jarring and instead of feeling like foreplay for the big fight you expect to see… it just left me feeling cheated.

This is probably because the kid, his mother, and his father were not interesting in the slightest.

I went to see a movie titled Godzilla which promised me monster movie awesome. Instead I spent a little over two hours watching the world’s most boring soldier wander through one set piece of wreckage after another. I kept waiting for the awesome to start and it never happened… I wouldn’t have minded the movie centering on the humans more if they’d had, you know, anything resembling personality but they were so painfully flat. I’m not sure if it’s a “blame the actor” or a “blame the director” issue but either way this was a wasted opportunity.

The only human character who was even remotely interesting was Brian Cranston as the broken down guy still mourning his wife and getting into stupid trouble and just when he gets his, “holy shit, I was actually right” moment, he fucking dies and is out of the movie. And we get the rest of the film with Lt. Boring.

It is very strange that they didn’t learn more lessons in this movie from Pacific Rim. There we had a compelling human story (several actually) while also getting absolutely mind-blowing action sequences. They were well balanced, well paced against one another, and truly gave the audience the best of both. Godzilla is the King of the ***-damned monsters. He is the big guy, and now we’ve had two US reboots that just utterly fail to satisfy.

This film could have learned lessons from the Michael Bay Transformers franchise too. I mean, those movies are terrible but they do one thing right… they give us plenty of Optimus Prime being awesome and plenty of visceral action. If they would only have focused on the Transformers instead of Shia LeBeuf and his cast of conspiracy theory misfits (still confused on that one) the movies might have had serious promise. Godzilla could have used the same lesson applied to this film.

Anyway… I won’t belabor the point any more. It’s not a good movie. It’s pretty but incredibly flat, fails to deliver on the monster action front (I’m sorry, one slow-mo tail slap is supposed to make me feel like I got my money’s worth), and feels like some parts were more about ticking things off a checklist of “did this happen in the movie yet?” more than any desire to actually make a good movie.

I’d give it a 3/10. I guess I can just look forward to Days of Future Past next week and hope that is as good as I want it to be…


One response

  1. I started assuming long ago that all remakes and most new movies suck and should be avoided. That’s what’s kept me from hating the Hobbit movies — my expectations were so low that they exceeded them.

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